Experiences of melanoma
Julie's story
I noticed what looked like a blackhead just above my knee. It caught my attention because, although I have moles, I hadn't noticed any new ones. It grew fairly quickly. That blackhead seemed to spread into a lighter shade of brown. I asked the GP to check it. The GP rolled her eyes and without even looking closely told me, 'You just seem like a moley type of person'. I have watched this mole grow over time. It has lots of dark spots surrounded by lighter shades of brown. It's raised and the edges are irregular.
The mole
My daughter tells me one summer day, 'Mummy you have chocolate on your leg'. It doesn't look right and although it seems strange, we make a joke of it adopting Austin Powers , 'Moley Moley Moley' line to laugh it off.
I meet a wonderful man. He tells me I should get it checked. I tell him I have already and it's fine and put my energy into badgering him to get all his checked. I'm a nag so he does and he is fine. A year or two tick by and each summer my moley mole gets bigger. I just don't wear skirts. I've already had it checked and the GP said it was fine so why do I spend every bath time staring at it, wondering if I am a hypochondriac.
Days, turn onto weeks, weeks turn into months and I don't feel right. I have different illnesses, kidney infection requiring hospitalisation, cysts on my ovaries that they say will more than likely disappear themselves, a cyst removed from my head that has now grown back (we call it my horn), my thyroid is enlarged, I will spend an endless cycle of sore ears then swollen glands in my neck then they swell in my armpits, I am always tired. The GP keeps labelling me with depression which infuriates me because whilst I have these episodes like everyone, essentially I am happy. I shake all the time. The GP says that's a non essential tremor. My memory gets worse as the weeks go on. As for my lumps...she says I'm a regular cyst farm. Finally when I hit rock bottom and accept maybe the GP is right and I am depressed or anxious I take all the anti depressants, anti anxiety drugs and sedatives. I'm fainting a lot, my blood pressure is low and I can't find the energy to go to work. Whilst trying to explain to the GP I feel physically not right and not depressed I ask her to look at my moley mole.
The GP refers me to dermatology. The hospital appointment comes within a week. The consultant tells me it looks like melanoma. He wants to operate that day but there's a big meeting at the hospital so he books me in a few days later. He gets a specialist nurse/counsellor to come to see me but...I don't really understand the drama. It's a dodgy mole, just cut it off right? Why the urgency, why the grave faces? So I don't worry. The surgery was not pleasant and I'm surprised by the amount of tissue the surgeon takes. Nobody tells me anything. The surgeon is keen to get her lunch and tells the nurse to give me the aftercare leaflet and escort me to reception to book an appointment with the consultant. The nurse cleans me up, gives me the leaflet and tells me to get the GP to remove the dressing in 7-10 days and any stitches which haven't dissolved. She points me towards reception. Fortunately my friend is there to help me hobble.
After the op
The scar
The receptionist tells me I should come back in 3 weeks however my consultant is on leave, so I have to wait 5 weeks. I do not think to ask about test results, when you get them, how you get them....I'm more preoccupied on how to get my butt in the taxi without getting blood anywhere and keep my leg straight.
I get home and log onto the pc and start to find out what it is I'm dealing with here. Google fires up some pretty scary stuff and I realise this is serious....more so because, feeling stupid, I have lied about how long I have had this moley mole.
Talking to family & friends I learn both my Aunt & Grandfather died from Melanoma in their thirties. Both already had secondary cancers before it was picked up. Both left children behind. Every day I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for a letter, a call, anything that will tell me what the test results are. I get angry, I get sad, I get utterly numb and don't feel anything. I think of my daughter and worry. People who haven't spoken to me for years suddenly get in touch...'I AM NOT DYING YET!' I want to yell, but I don't.
Yesterday I got brave and phoned the GP. They have no test results, they give me the number to call at the hospital...the phone just rings and rings no-one ever answers. People think you should know the results following surgery, they don't understand why you don't. People either tell me it can't be bad or I'd know others act like I'm dying with pitying looks over the top niceness.
I go to another hospital for a scan of my thyroid. I'm hoping that is why I don't feel well and my mole is just a mole and the consultant is wrong. The Thyroid bloods come back normal. My thyroid is enlarged, as we knew, shaped like a triangle instead of a butterfly. The thyroid consultant wants to monitor as he does not feel this is the cause of my ailments. Then why do I shake so badly and why have my glands been so swollen and sore for so long, why is my memory so so very bad I ask, desperately. He tells me he will talk to my GP and keep me as his patient so he can monitor the thyroid activity.
My melanoma seems to have this effect on the NHS staff, they just look at me so very gravely and suddenly that's the focus (I don't want it to be). I've read people stories on the site. There are some very brave people on there. I'm just beginning the journey, very much not knowing what the future is. This waiting to hear is so very hard, I'm sure there must be other people reading through the site who are waiting too.
I'm hoping I am just a hypochondriac or someone who needs better diet or more exercise....but if I'm not, if my moley mole turns out to be something quite serious I know I'd like to keep a record of my journey to help others understand. The waiting...it's been 11 days....will I have to wait until I see the consultant before I know what I am dealing with? Will the postman drop a brown envelope through my door? This waiting, waiting, waiting....it makes you think long and hard about your life, your past, your present, your future, who you are...it's almost a revelation in self discovery.